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THE VE TODAY SHOW
Posted by Mr. VE
*Walks out and the crowd gives him a standing ovation*
Yes! Thank you, thank you, and welcome to the second VE Today Show. Well, we've got another great show for you guys! We have our very own Senior Sergeant Merrick joining us today as well as Private Roxy_Girl from our allies, the Force Elite Soldiers. So, let's kick this thing off with some news updates!
*Sits down behind his desk and takes a sip of coffee*
Well, first off, LucasArts has released the Jedi Academy 1.01 update, and you can now get that on the LucasArts website. I guess a perk to that game would be to say "Hold up, I'm going to go change my clothes, maybe even my race" during an MP game. Star Wars Galaxies: An Empire Divided also has some updates. Just recently here, the first-ever Force Sensitive slot had been unlocked! Congratulations to that individual who unlocked that slot thingy... Hmm. I really don't know of the benefits to being a Jedi in that game. I don't have the game, so I wouldn't know anyway, but it would seem to me that a big part of your "mission" in the came would've been completed as soon as you turned Jedi, and so now it's kind of a "What the hell do I do now?" deal. Now, I believe that this new Jedi was female, so I guess she gets a lot of "Can I hold your lightsaber?" questions from many of the players, which would be, in my mind, disturbing.
*Takes a sip of his coffee*
Now that I'm on the topic of Star Wars Galaxies, I can't leave out another important update. There is a new profession in the game: Politician. I really don't know the full details on that, and I really shouldn't have to since the profession is pretty self explanatory. I'm thinking that you'll be able to get free lolypops at the local Cantina now, which would be pretty slick.
*The audience releases various "Oohs" and "Aaahs" in accordance with the activated "Commence Oohs and Aaahs now" sign*
Well, let's get on to our guests! My first guest is Senior Sergeant Merrick. I'm sure you're all familiar with this lad... wait. I can't say that... With this person. She's really straight-forward, as you will see in a moment, so give it up for Merrick!
*The live band plays as Merrick walks onto the stage, waving to the audience with her large axe*
*takes a sip of his coffee and eyes the new arrival*
Merrick: hey
Merrick: eyes are up here mister
MrVE: Ahem.
MrVE: Do not speak unless spoken to, young lady.
That's my job.
MrVE: Anyway, welcome to the show.
Merrick: ho you callin a lady
MrVE: For you home audiences out there...
Merrick: who, too
MrVE: *coughs*
Merrick: hi!
MrVE: For you home audiences out there, I would like to tell you that this is the VE Today Show's first one-on-one interview taken directly from the mIRC channel!
MrVE: Our guest, who is particularly loud at the moment, is the first person to have her ass in my newly-bought Lay-Z-Girl chair.
MrVE: *looks at this guest*
MrVE: Hope it's cumfy.
Merrick: haha.. no need to be overly un-sexist there
Merrick: my ass or the chair?
MrVE: Interesting response.
MrVE: Next question.
MrVE: *grins*
MrVE: The chair of course.
Merrick: yeah, its alright
* Merrick reclines
MrVE: Well, your hair is damn damp. Seems like you just took a shower. Well, I know this because the illustrious Colonel Cosmic, Commander of Training, and bravo-haha had informed me beforehand.
Merrick: damned peeping toms
Merrick: and you know hair to your knees is never easy to dry
Merrick: or avoid sitting on, for that matter
MrVE: Well *looks into the camera and winks* I can tell you right now that there are a lot of Wookies out there who would like to be your hair, even if it were only for a minute.
Merrick: lol I'm sure there are more than wookies..
MrVE: Of course. You have your Jawas. Can't forget the Jawas.
MrVE: Is it just me, or do you have a thing for hooded men?
Merrick: well I've got nothing against them, particularly
MrVE: *Takes note to call his Jawa friend, Monchichi, informing him that there is hope*
Merrick: lol
MrVE: So, how've you been? This is the first time I've had you on my show. *giggles* Had you. haha. ahem. Answer the question please.
Merrick: *eyes the interviewer suspiciously*
Merrick: I'm pretty good, enjoying a little bit of time off between missions
Merrick: also just got one of my favourite squad members back ;)
MrVE: Ah yeah? Who might that be?
Merrick: Dragoon of course
Merrick: the Jester squad comedian
MrVE: *Looks intently at the camera*
MrVE: Well, that's... interesting to know. You're an excellent speaker, I must say.
MrVE: I've never met anyone who could say so much with so few words.
Merrick: well what's the point of blabbing on about nothing
MrVE: Hey, if it pays...
Merrick: if I've got something to say, then I say it and shut up so the next person can talk without interrupting me ;)
MrVE: *Looks at the vacant seat next to Merrick*
MrVE: I completely understand.
MrVE: Can't have any interuptions now, can we?
Merrick: well we COULD
Merrick: but it most likely wouldnt happen again
MrVE: *snaps his fingers and a nude Rodian runs across the stage*
MrVE: So, speaking of your missions, how are they coming along?
Merrick: well we just got done on the Nalbrice mission
Merrick: managed to get everything we needed and get home with only one trooper injured
Merrick: hopefully the intel we brought back was of some help to Fury
MrVE: Indeed.
MrVE: Any outstanding members?
MrVE: With you in command, there must be at least a few.
Merrick: lol, flattery will get you nowhere
Merrick: Hashi and Firefrog both got promotions for their efforts in our last mission
Merrick: and of course there's Tylen, how could a dark jedi not be outstanding after all
MrVE: I see, well, I'll have to see if I can get that Dark Jedai on my show.
MrVE: Let me ask this. What do when say is your best feature?
Merrick: yeah if you can get him to quit scaring the newbies with those damn fake thermal dets
MrVE: *Gives a quickie laugh takes a sip of his coffee*
MrVE: Anyway, what to do men say is your best feature?
Merrick: my best feature.. hmm.. physical or mental? ;p
MrVE: Fizzlecal of course.
Merrick: what do men say.. most of them are open mouthed about the long hair
Merrick: and then afraid of the axe
MrVE: ...
MrVE: Oh yes. Definately hair.
Merrick: most of the men around here seem to have a thing for long hair
MrVE: I'd have to say... *eyes wander, but then return upwards* Your smile. Yes. Definately the smile.
Merrick: haha Im sure
MrVE: Your toes aren't bad, either. They're like little cherries. You must be damn proud.
Merrick: only to still have them all
MrVE: Now, your squad has an interesting name: Jester. How did that name come to be?
Merrick: well if you consider who formed it and the original members, it's not that hard to figure out
Merrick: Jester was Kiption's pet project, and of course he took Dragoon with him
Merrick: those two always had some.. interesting.. adventures
MrVE: I'm sure. Did you ever... wander with them?
Merrick: I was only in the squad a short time while the both of them were still active, then not long after that Kip retired and I took over Jester
MrVE: And a hell of a squad it turned out to be.
MrVE: ... Damn it, Sam. Erase that.
MrVE: Anyway, you have any little Jesters with numb lips yet?
Merrick: lol, are you insinuating that they are ass kissers?
MrVE: Why... that was deep. Of course not! Yes.
Merrick: lol
Merrick: most of them work hard enough to get their promotions the traditional way
MrVE: The traditional way was ass-kissing, gal.
Merrick: of course Vulture is pretty close to losing his head if he doesn't keep check of his eyes, but you know
Merrick: well then the.. honest way
MrVE: Let me point out a few things that I've learned throughout other peoples' experience.
MrVE: 1) The traditional way was subtle ass-kissing. You know, the kind of sly thing when no one knew what was going on.
MrVE: 2) The honest way is still ass-kissing, but you inform the superior that his or her ass is about to be smooched.
Merrick: lol
MrVE: It took years of training for me to think that way, so you should be so lucky to get that information.
Merrick: well then I must say my troopers have earned their promotions with hard work and the finest of subtle ass kissing
MrVE: Indeedy. In fact, I ran into one of them yesterday. His lips were so swollen that he could've played Bubba in Florist Gwump. A fantastic movie, by the way.
MrVE: Received some pretty high ratings.
Merrick: lol
Merrick: that must have been Hashi ;)
MrVE: Aha!
MrVE: That would explain the flat hat.
MrVE: So, tell me about yourself.
MrVE: I'm sure a lot of our viewers would like to know what you do...
Merrick: well all the usual Squad Leader stuff
Merrick: train my troops
Merrick: kick their asses when they dont do what they are told
Merrick: try and keep them all from getting themselves killed on missions
Merrick: and still try to have time to kill some people and break some stuff
MrVE: That sounds exactly like something my mother would've said when describing us kids.
MrVE: So, with that in mind, I'm sure that your troopers look up to you as a motherly figure.
Merrick: hahaha
Merrick: if they do, they are sick.. sick men
Merrick: I'm younger than most of them
Merrick: and certainly dont have a very motherly nature
MrVE: Well, there you go. You're a young woman. A motherly-like young woman with an attitude, hair, and hips. I see no sickness in that kind of mentality...
MrVE: except for the mentality itself.
MrVE: huh. ironic.
Merrick: I guess its alright as long as none of them are into incest ;)
MrVE: Incest happens to be my favorite candle.
Merrick: hehe
MrVE: So, come on. Indulge us! You're on a very expensive and entertaining show! Dive deeper into your emotions, let loose your thoughts. Give birth to creativeness for God sakes! Be a man!
Merrick: entertaining, and I'm your first guest? *whistles*
MrVE: Well, not my fault. The script is scrolling up too fast.
Merrick: there isnt much to me other than anger and violence..
Merrick: I manage to pretend I can do what Im told
Merrick: but really Fury just doesn't order me around much
MrVE: Riight.
MrVE: Well, you're inspired me.
MrVE: Ahem. You've.
Merrick: ask him yourself, he does more for me than I do for him ;)
MrVE: There we go. Now we're getting someplace. Exactly what does he do for you? What do you request of him? What tasks does he take on for your sake?
Merrick: weeell when my troopers start bugging me about another mission, I go tell him to get us some work
Merrick: and if I want them promoted, I tell Fury they deserve a promo
MrVE: Alright, well hold up a second.
MrVE: I don't know about you, but I can't take this anymore. Please sit erect in your seat. It looks like you're having a session when you're laid back like that.
Merrick: haha
* Merrick sits up straight
MrVE: Well, either the screen has foddered out, or the interview is over. Either way, I'm in a sweat.
MrVE: Well, thanks for coming onto the show,
Merrick. I'm sure that the viewers out there see you in a new, motherly way.
Merrick: yeah Im sure they do.. *snicker*
MrVE: Oh, and the other half of the money that was offered to you to come onto the show is waiting for you just inside that curtain.
Merrick: aw it was fun, no payment necessary ;)
MrVE: No. We're paying you to leave. Please leave.
MrVE: Hahah. No, of course not. You're... pleasant. Anyway, thanks again for the interview!
Yep. Very good interview. My next guest is from the Force Elite Soldiers, and she is Private Roxy_Girl, so give her a for-the-ally applause!
*Crowd applauses*
*Takes another sip of his coffee*
Roxy_Girl: lmao
Rema: hey wait
Rema: you said you would give us Fury!
Rema: MrVE
MrVE: Welcome ladies and gentlemen, and Imperials and Scum alike, to the our second show.
MrVE: Now, if the audience would kindly sit down, I would like to announce our next guest.
* Rema throws the thermal detonator at MrVE
Rema: dont ask about the detonator
Rema: You Promised us Fury!
* Roxy_Girl throws her banana peel at MrVE
* Watches two masculine men grab an audience member by the arms and drag him outside
MrVE: Well, our next guest is definately a unique one. She's actually a member of our allies, the Force Elite Soldiers, so let's give her a hand of applause damn it.
* Crowd gives applause of course *
Roxy_Girl: :D
MrVE: So, Roxy, while you get yourself comfortable in my new Lay-Z-Girl chair, tell us about yourself.
Roxy_Girl: Um..
Roxy_Girl: Where to start...
Roxy_Girl: Im from Canada, And I also play the fiddle,
MrVE: You fiddle around on it, or can you actually play?
Roxy_Girl: Actually Play.
Roxy_Girl: G D A E strings ^.^
Roxy_Girl: ^:^
MrVE: G D A E, eh? That must be a greeting on some planet. G'dae.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: So, you have any sisters?
Roxy_Girl: Nope
MrVE: Care to elaborate? You're very much like my previous guest. Short and sweet (in responses of course).
Roxy_Girl: lol
Roxy_Girl: What does elaborate mean...
* Roxy_Girl looks at a dictionary
MrVE: Expand with your story details.
MrVE: Oookaay.
MrVE: Next question.
Roxy_Girl: lol
Roxy_Girl: okay
MrVE: So, what exactly do in the FES? What division are you in, what position do you hold, and what the hell do you do?
MrVE: Uhh, what exactly DO YOU DO in the FES? :D
Roxy_Girl: I am in the Shadow Army, Private and I play jk2, waiting for a job to do like an admin job
MrVE: Admin eh? What sort of admin job?
Roxy_Girl: Chat, Server admins. So I am able to shut people up and sleep them, kick them etc
MrVE: Sleep them. Sweet. I'll be sure you get that job.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: Speaking of sleep, you can recline in that chair of yours. Then again, it makes this seem like a session, but who the hell cares. Just as long as you're not wearing a skirt.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: You're facing the audience you know.
Roxy_Girl: I know
MrVE: I know, too.
MrVE: *Takes a sip of his coffee and cracks his neck*
MrVE: So, you have any pets at all? Perhaps a little Womprat runnin' around your humble abode?
Roxy_Girl: a dog. and 2 large goldfish
MrVE: You know, if there was a contest to see who could reply to a question with the least amount of words, it'd be a tossup between you and my previous guest, Merrick.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: So, what do you do in your spare time? For fun?
Roxy_Girl: walk in the graveyard. and spraypaint the school
MrVE: What exactly do you do in a gravemard?
MrVE: Gah. Graveyard. Sorry, it's the medicine.
Roxy_Girl: look at all the headplates, see who died the longest time ago
MrVE: You have a boyfriend?
Roxy_Girl: nope... one guy likes me in school though
MrVE: I don't mean to make this sound like a business plan, but I predict that if you stop taking your frequant walks in the City of the Dead, you're client rate will go up ten-fold.
MrVE: Just a hunch.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: You know, let's get off you for a bit here, and focus on me me me... ahem. Myself.
Roxy_Girl: ok
MrVE: I spoke to a guy yesterday, well, my boss, and I walked out of that little private meeting a bit stressed and embarrassed.
MrVE: Perhaps you can help me see what the problem was.
Roxy_Girl: lol
Roxy_Girl: um... :.
MrVE: He looked at me sternly in the eye, and said "VE, I'm going to be frank."
MrVE: And I replied with, "Yeah? Who will I be?"
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: He looked at me funny, but then meeting just went on, but I still feel that there was something amiss there.
Roxy_Girl: and theres no such person as merrick lol
MrVE: Agh. Drugs have got me again.
Roxy_Girl: :D
MrVE: Oh? Well, don't be surprised if you don't wake up in the morning, but find yourself floating above your own body seeing an axe jabbed somewhere unpleasant. Anyway, I don't mean to make this show an R rated one, but we've got to do something about this dullness.
MrVE: And in truth, Merrick happens to be a good girl. In fact, a young motherly figure to her troopies. *grins and takes a sip of his coffee*.
Roxy_Girl: I searched Merrick and nothing came up
MrVE: What are you doing on my laptop?
Roxy_Girl: ...
MrVE: She's VE, girl. VE.
Roxy_Girl: bethwith?
MrVE: I was desperate, I know. I needed someone on my show because I was too lazy to write up my interview questions for our very own Army Prefect. *sighs*
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: So, you going to stay after your interview and watch our cool boyband, I'Stync play?
MrVE: I really don't want to be alone when that happens.
Roxy_Girl: lol
MrVE: So, what have you been doing lately?
Roxy_Girl: Playing jk2
Roxy_Girl: "D
Roxy_Girl: :D
MrVE: ... anything else?
Roxy_Girl: um... CS... Enemy Territory... MOHAA
Roxy_Girl: ^.^
MrVE: And perky too.
MrVE: Ahem.
Roxy_Girl: being here
MrVE: Well, for my last question... it's kind of a favorite: what did you eat for breakfast?
Roxy_Girl: Bacon and eggs.. what else lol
Roxy_Girl: and french toast
MrVE: Well done.
MrVE: Well, thanks for being on the show!
MrVE: I must get out of these tights now. *Turns to the camera* Thank you for tuning in to the show! And you live audience people things... G'dae!
*The crowd applauses as Private Roxy_Girl waves and walks off the stage*
*A man in black tights runs up to Mr. VE's desk and hands him a photo and a piece of paper*
Ladies and gentlemen, and Imperials and Scum alike, we've just received some amazing news! Apparently, today is a very special day for one man. In a grand hall, a ceremony had taken place for an officer, Weit Haus. He has been elevated in rank, and it seems that it must've been a special occasion because both the Emperor and Lord Vader had attended that ceremony.
*Grins* Well, let's get to the photo-submissions portion of our show. Our first submission is from an Imperial MP who has just busted a hard-core criminal. These are his words: "The two images that are tucked in with this letter are shots of an individual whom we've been after for some time. He's stolen many spherical fruits with a quick "swipe". The first photo shows where we caught him at a local theatre. It may not look like it, but he had just swallowed a mouthful of popcorn and other pro-cavity substances." It looks like they took this picture just as they yelled out "Freeze!"
"The second image was a criminal-identity sketch. A young woman saw the criminal at the skiing resert they were staying in, and called the authories. The following picture is a sketch of how she described his actions. The criminal apparently saw that he was caught red-tongued, and that is clearly seen in his obvious, stressful expression."
Well, I say we give... hmm, didn't include his name...
Sonny (lead guitarist): Well how do you know it's a man if you don't know the person's name?
Good point. Well, the writing is crap, so I figured it was a man. I know a lot of women and they don't have s*BEEP*y handwriting. Do you know any?
Sonny: No, but I can truthfully say that I know a lot of women. You have nothing but a poster-filled wall. Hell, it's like wallpaper in your room. Oh, and just a side note, dude, you have to take down that Wookie stripper. It just ain't right.
*Sighs* I knew I was going to have to part with her sooner or later, but hey, I do know women. I know a whole lot of them in fact.
Sonny: Oh? Name one.
... Lana D'Strippa.
Sonny: Your mother doesn't count.
Damn you, Sonny. I would say something else, something even MORE horrid, but we're on live Holoprojector, so I can't do that, Wookie stripper lover.
*The crowd cheers*
Well, our next submission is from seven year old Tommy Hillfig'ya. He says that he wants to be a Stormtrooper when he grows up. He includes a picture of himself and the lamp in his room as well as his guiter, which his daddy says he can't have until he learns how to put the rest of his armor on. Well, take a look for yourself.
*Takes a sip of his coffee*
I was on gString the other night, you know, that online shopping thing, and I came across an interesting belt buckle. Apparently, Lord Vader diverged a bit from the Master Plan, and took it upon himself to earn more profit. So, what I have before you is a picture, which was taken at my hutt, of the one and only Darth Vader belt buckle.
Yep. I wear that SOB with pride. Well, unfortunately that's all for this week. I'm pretty sure that our Prefect will be sitting in my Lazy-Z-Girl chair next week, so look forward to that. Also, we have a meeting tomorrow, and you all need to be there! If you don't know what time or where, that's your own damn falt, and you need to look that s*BEEP*t up on your own. Well, that's it. Have a great night, people! G'dae!
--------------------
Mr. VE
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